In my hometown individuality equates to a disease

Fester freely with us in ease

Stay ten score more and freeze

Waste away some more years

And drown your fear in ten more beers

In our town we hate outsiders

In our town we cull the writers

In our town we don’t want you here

There’s no end to the emaciation

‘Cause down here we made our own nation

Come to the pub and see their undersea eyes

Spend more time with friends you despise

Spend more time gazing to the pint glass

Where in years, seconds pass

In our town the default setting is glum

As kids are gifted guns

creatives are on dry runs

Poets ate all the pills, artists sold out for the hills and education teaches us to write our premature wills

We’re all six feet above the ground, with each foot in the grave

So, Gather your gang of delinquents and freaks

Come bask in the days that feel like weeks

If you got three decades I’ll tell you the story

You can’t vacate us now – it’s mandatory

Sit down and you shall be taught

Death, not opportunity is what knocks

As time thickens faster than warmed blood clots

Our citizens spectate the clocks

Watching the hands tick with delight

‘Cause ambition brings us merely fright

In my hometown you get down to the boozer

There’s only one, so no space for a chooser

Festering desires served as entree and the emotions we refrain from – too scared to say

Too scared to signal towards dismay

Our dingy desires, draw closer to the tires, the wires, which will wrap around our mind chaining us – a refrain we must enjoy

‘Cause Chasing dreams is a longshot, so come drown it with another shot

Fireball, tequila, vodka, sambuca

We only have one ‘ere so don’t let it spook ya

Here in our town we wish you could stay

Here in our town we’ll darken your day

Here in our town there is but one road

That leads straight in

Without an exit nor two way system

Oh come see us again, your friends, ain’t you missed them?

Come visit again – just spend one month more

Come visit again – you know the door

Relive your past, your memories, your ghosts

We used to like you before

‘Til you put your real self on the snore

They’re Equally as bored, the faces unadorned 

Home town mentality is an insanity

As we are guilty, we are many

Come join our band – the one eyed penny

We need a bassist – you look the type

There’ll be no cash

But we can pay you in the form of an after gig stripe

Does that not suit your taste?

Does it not wet your pallet?

He’s looking shifty

So fetch us the mallet

He’s looking shifty

He’s grown a mullet

I’ve got you a present

So here have this bullet

Best not to waste him

Our mentality states

Every stranger demands a royal good pasting

So fetch the goons and their mates

‘Cause a beating awaits – Here in our town

So when you visit us make sure to look round

Never to leave

For why would you ever wish to grieve?

For the past, for the last, time you come around

To our sacred mound we call a house

Where the lonely few dwell with ghosts of their spouse

As scathing glares will see you on out

Scathing glares from an underwear clad lout

You’ve seen him before

Of course you have

You’ve seen him before

A vision of you

Beer stained vest top, vision of you

Depressed and furious, vision of you

Thirty years more, this could be you

Monotony your mentor, this’ll come true

So scratch away your varnish

The big city sheen

‘We’ll welcome you back son

Just make sure you get clean’

Come to your hometown

It’s where you belong

Come to your hometown, we’ve righted the wrongs

Visit us please, I sent you a card

What do you mean you can’t let down your guard?

Just dress down

Just be with us

Do not frown

You’ll blend right in

Why how dare you hate your hometown

When you left – we saw it as sin

As you pass by, wiping clean every grin

In our hometown we hate the likes of you

A leper in disguise we see right through

They think it is true but I see it is false

Look upon our people they have no faults

Their emotions barred in silicone vaults

Don’t mention your mental

Its superstition to them

Don’t mention your health

For the sake of your wealth

We won’t hire a fairy, no weaklings to boot,

Just slick hair, muscles and a suit

You’re guaranteed a job

Though we won’t welcome an emotional blob

As one boy left his lair with ills of the mind

Now he’s in the darkest cell we could find

And from within he now sings

Sugar-sweet verses of our cutesy little hometown things

So, Return to the pustule, our epicentre

Shimmering with life

A post nuclear crater

Come see who awaits, it’s your adjudicator

See how he festers, see how he crumbles

Come listen close, to his inaudible grumbles

Well he’s our character – a hometown hero

Alcoholic by day – jester by night

Full time fool – the jeerer’s delight

We poke him, we prod him, and all for a laugh

Unsuitable for public he ain’t heard of a bath

Come meet our hometown heroes

Unlike you big city zeroes

These are men with zeal, who ain’t prone to feel 

Men who could deal, with the world –

Unlike you

By a toddler you should be hurled

Return from whence thou came!

You and your un-humbled brain

dare you speak to us with disdain?

Do not lay blame, there is but one stop on this home town bound train

See we remember our roots

Before the second hand suits

You don’t wanna know the hero?

It seems you’re the weirdo

Come back to our hometown we will never bite

Though big city folk ain’t a common sight

On every street corner there’s a fight

At evening, or morn, the dead of night

Middle aged men in a punch up

All for the sake of a spilled cup

It don’t take long to settle then sup

In our hometown depravity

One look at our food and we assure you a cavity

Misery is our speciality dish

Come observe our homegrown, hometown petri dish

The infection is deep in the hometown abode

Where the hag screams aloud

‘You cannot leave us my dear, there is but one road

In our, cultural rich, we got everything here that can scratch that itch, no you won’t leave the pub with many a stitch

spectate our serene, ultra clean, foetid gene pool kinda home town’

‘Home is where the heart is

Please visit us soon’

If that’s where the heart is I’ll find the nearest tomb

‘Cause in this hometown, I envision my end

For the grimmest affliction

Is the hometown conviction.